Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
