every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
