I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
