The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
