I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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