I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
