I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
