and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
