A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My vagina is officially offended.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
