First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
