Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
