I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
