She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
