I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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