His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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