It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
