i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
