At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
