You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
