Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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