Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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