I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
