So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
