Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
