During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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