no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
