Just cropdusted the office
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
