is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
