I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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