my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
