other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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