life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
