Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
