I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
