my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
