I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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