I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
