I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh god it's open bar.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
