You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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