i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
