I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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