Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
