my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
