He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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