You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
