I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
