My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
