Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
