Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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