I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
