the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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